Alina

Dear FutureMe,
As excited as I am for school next year i feel like time is slipping away from me. Two months ago I was so ready to just leave and move in to school and be done with everything here, but now that Ive settled into summer and into the people that I am around I'm starting to be scared of leaving. Of the giant changes that are about to happen. I know that they will be good and I am excited but its still change. And I feel like i havent seen some people enough to leave. Ive accoplised a ton this summer between working, camping, going to visit brittany, hooking up with a cute boy while seeing brittany and haveing a good time with the people that i care about. But there are some people i care about a ton and am worried that if we leave like this without hardly ever seeing each other is a sign of things to come and I dont want things to come like that I want to be your good friend i want to see you and be part of your life i miss you. This mostly applies to katherine, actually this totally applies to katherine but i realize that there are a few others too. Im afraid to leave work. Its been almost three years I could live there my co-workers have become my best friends, ive partied more with them than anyone. We spur of the moment drove to the cape and decided to stay the night I havent gone anywhere with anyone else Im not even sure Ive had sleep overs with anyone else. I love it, but i also don't because i feel like maybe Ive kept myself busy with them since we all work the same hours its easy to hang out. Maybe I should have made more of an effort. I want to see everyone! I leave the 27th i wanted to stop working the week before but now im not sure how thats going to work i should have figured that all out like a month ago but just never thought of it.


so i went to post this and it asked if i wanted to restore a saved draft and i said yes to see what it was. It ended up being two sentences about galen after we broke up. Apparently its been a while since Ive written here.

I am trying so hard right now to convince myself that coffee tonight is to test out the friendship water. That nothing big is going to come of it and that all it means is we will be friendly to each other. But thats not what i want I want to be in a relationship. Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way. I need for us to figure out if this is going to work or not on our own time not on an irrational decison based on what might happen in the future. I cant make college go away and i cant make boston and burlington any closer to each other I just dont have those powers. But 8 months from now maybe our relationship will have fizzled away anyway, maybe our feelings are completly gone adn we will be great friends. Or maybe the long distance thing will work and maybe it wont but I need to figure that out. Assuming it wont work gives me no closure. Closure is an important thing and I am going to be so hung up on this until I get it. I wish we could just start again and slow things down, I wish we could have started this a year ago. Im afraid to hope for the best because I will just get hurt when it doesnt happen. He sounded so sure of his decision and I dont know if he could just make his problems completly dissapear in the 5 days we havent been together. I feel like the titanic is sinking in my stomache right now. Its felt like that all day but its worse now. It knows how uncertain this is but it also knows how unlikely going backt o way things were is going to be. As hard as im trying I know im not completly convinced not even a little. Im going to get hurt more and I dont know waht to do after that happens because by agreeing to tonight i pretty much put myself in this position. ack Im leaving in an hour I hope something I can accept comes out of this even if its not exactly what i want it just needs to be acceptable, thats all im asking. I hate the winter. I need sun and blue skyies and summer needs to be here so badly. School is a drag.

So lets call the kettle black tonight. Thats pretty cool i really like it. Its really awsome to tell someone that they are your best friends and that you love them and that they help so much and then tell the same person a week later that they need YOU too much. But that clearly isnt a false statement judging on the amounts of fucking freaking out ive done tonight and im still doing. Im done crying im just sitting here shaking drinking orange juice and eating mini marshmellows thinking about how they are ruined because they remind me of you.And its really bothering me that everything else reminds me of you also because i never thought id be that person. I cannot believe how stupid i am for getting so attached to anyone this is rediculous I want to be done driving myself crazy and I think I finally am. I feel better writing this and calling you I might even have closure im glad im not seeing you tomorrow i dont think i could handle it. I just want this to be done. Holy fucking shit its only been three months and this is what happened. clearly I am not prepared to be in relationships ever unless they are meaningless. but you started this you know, you kissed me, you told me that you loved me and you were the one who was always saying how good this was i believe the word majestic was thrown around once? that was pretty weird but whatever i figured it was the chinese good. I want you to read this. maybe I will send it toy ou but that might just make this work i dont wantt o amke you feel like shit but at the same time thats all i want to do. you sounded so together and so okay it fucking drove me nuts. I dont understand but I guess thats ok because this has to be over sometime right, and the sooner we broke up the sooner I can be over it. Maybe we will be friends who knows thats way to hard right now maybe when you come back in a few weeks or maybe in a few months it will be okay but i feel better right now and i think i would just not be able to handle friendship right now

I wish I could fucking hate you. It would make it so much easier

So work is owning me this week. I was supposed to have friday off and saturday night off but fucking bitches decided to take vacations together and now were 3 or 4 girls down depending if Tessa comes in so i cant leave or that will be 4 or 5 and thats rediculous even though ive had my name of the list for having the day off for about 2 weeks now and she decided monday to go camping with the other girl whose gone after coming home from a two week vacation and working like 2 days. I wish i had a vacation. Im thinking about takeing a week off and saying im on vacation.

Im bitter today, i need some spice in my life. haha but seriously this week should just end now

So back at seafood etc!Im not sure i can handle this two jobs thing. When i thought i would be working dunks sundays and weekdays and seafood etc. fridays and saturday nights i was ok but working friday night early saturday morning then saturday night and early sunday morning thats just insane im going to have zero time to do anything else. Tomorrow should be good but really long. Work dunks 7-1 lunch with kevin work seafood etc. 4-730 or 830 then katherines houseee and no work sunday wooo!

I wish vacation would just turn into summer

Mrs. Call gave me the worst look I have ever recieved in my entire life today

Work tomorrow. Im afraid to go back to CVS. Ive turned into a terrible employee and I feel like im letting them down so bad. I dont know why i feel so horrible about this. Brittany is coming up during christmas vacation and I am afraid to ask for that day off because i think its a friday or saturday and theres a damn good chance I'll have to work. But I havent seen brittany in almost 2 years and she is my best friend and I just absolutely cannot work that day because its the only day im going to see her and if I dont see her I will probably just cry and be a terrible person at work all day.

I feell so shitty about myself right now.

So pretty much i should just quit CVS before they fire my ass. Seriously though. I gave them like a weeks notice that I need a whole week and weekend off but i must not have been that specific because they still put me on for Sunday. I didnt know this so i just never showed up to work. And then today i told dave I needed next monday and tuesday off but im pretty sure i need Wed. and Thursday off so I need to be a pain in the but and call them again. ughhh

Job training tomorrow at CVS at 2!

skipping play practice tonight was probably the best thing ive done for myself in the past few weeks. I feel so much better. hahaha seriously though i fucking hate being a part of this goddamn play

I fucking love the CVS hold music it is amazing.I have an interview there friday at 3.00.

So as of 9ish last night I am unemployed. Shit.I have never washed so many dishes in my life. Including all of the ketchup and tartar sauce bottle which was a bitch. Job hunting today after I finish cleaning my room which is what i should be doing right now. blahhhhh shit this week was bad. Next week had best be better. I have no excuse now for not having friday and saturday night plans so I need to make myself a social life now.

Jepsons take home test is bull and its pissing me off. explain my multiple choice answer what? who the hell does that? some of the questions i dont even know what hes talking about like
Which of the following phases can be in solution, or dissolved into one another 
a. solid in a liquid
b liquid in a gas
c. solid in a solid
d. all of the above

 i dont know! i guessed c but i really dont have a reason. its multiple choice who cares? why is the pissed me off so much i dont have a clue

haha shit, why am i such a lame-o? i cant go to newburyport with you because i cant get my mmommy on the phone even though i know she wouldnt care but i dont want her to get mad if i went without telling her. lameeeee

last night was absolutely not lame though. nicoles house, hit a couple houses for candy then harleys house with wicked awsome people. It was nice. Today wasnt to bad. Someone pretty much read my mind today and i didnt even look at them and they probably dont know. I like it when that happens. So only a few more weeks of work.booo. tomorrow i think im applying at the purple onion and hopefully i can book a driving lesson because getting my liscence would be nice

I want to learn how to blow glass

and be a rockette

does anyone want to go to the fair monday and just eat shit? im in the mood for greasy fat fair food

yeah so i felt like i was going to die on the way from work to the topsfield fair. so  i decided not to go and now I feel fine of course. whatever who needs a life on a saturday night anyway?

ahh! so i was just in the middle of a song and rufus wainwright started playing but I have no idea where its coming from. I dont have it on limewire which is what i had open and when i went to the media playing and to now playing it said Ben Folds was the last thing i was listening to. Its still playing and i dont know where its coming from.  Its stopped and nothing else is playing now. weird.


soooooo tomorrow anyone want to hang out once were free from school?

So im dropping AP. It just makes me feel wicked bad about myself and im done with it. I can't handle this year my classes arent even that hard i just have absolutely no motivation. Im burnt out. im done. 

this weekend will probably be good i hope.

I dont want to go to school tomorrow. They better let me switch out.

why the hell am I not capable of writing a decent essay anymore? im so drained i wish this week would just end

wow im probably the worst conversationalist ever. 
I failed at life pretty much yesterday at work. I messed up so many times on the register. man a couple weeks ago i accidentaly charged 174517.45 dollars on the register.haha. basically ive just made myself into an idiot at work.I think it all went down hill after i fell down the stairs. Im going to be so sad when we close and everyone quits because they've been there for to long. i hate people that order haddock and then when they get thier food they complain that they ordered baked haddock when they never said that. i hate customers that lie at work and make it my fault their order isnt right when theyre idiots and forgot what they orded and make something  up saying something completly different. it makes me feel like shit like i failed and Jerrys wicked pissed because if we make more food thats wasted money. it sucks. people are assholes. especially old people who play the im old and innocent and obviously right card. the customer is never ever right guys. this is why i like plating food, you dont have to deal with anyone. 

anyway tonight was wicked fun. i had a good time. I got awsome shoes at tj maxx today.  SO today was pretty sweet if i do say so myself.